As is the case with most abuse survivors, I went through a time in my life when I wanted my life to end. During this time period, I was being sexually abused and felt very alone in the world. I was also using drugs and alcohol to numb my pain. I thought that there would never be an end to my suffering if I did not bring about an end myself. I wrote many poems about my feelings during that time. I would like to share some of them here. I was approximately 14-17 when I wrote these. PLEASE NOTE these were written over 15 years ago and in no way reflect my current frame of mind.
I can smell the roses
Waiting at heaven’ gate
So close to me now.
The palace that I’ve longed for.
They feel my pain
And show me the love that awaits.
A different world full of happiness.
I’m not far from where I want to be.
Closer with each breath I take.
Nearing a chance to escape.
Look back at the things I’ve known,
Kiss them goodbye,
Wipe the tear from my eye.
Moved on to where I belong.
The angels sing me a song.
I’ve passed on to a better place.
I pluck the roses at the door.
This is what I’ve been waiting for.
I’ve found the sweetness I deserve.
I’m falling down into a hole,
I can’t seem to escape.
The further down I fall,
The more I get afraid.
I’m reaching out
For you to catch me,
But you don’t seem to care.
Your face disappears
Into the darkness.
I can’t find you anywhere.
I can’t fight for my life anymore.
I’ll give up instead.
I’m falling down into a hole,
And now I’ve fallen dead.
A quiet girl in a lonely town.
No where to turn, no one around.
Afraid of the feelings she has deep inside.
Searching for a dark place to hide.
Maybe they’ll miss her, maybe they won’t.
They watched her disappear.
She didn’t fit in here.
Wanting to leave this awful place.
Trying to conceal her face.
Looking for a reason to stay.
There are none. Time to depart.
Time to end the pain in her heart.
Just one moment and she’ll be gone.
A smile appears upon her face.
A shot rings out in song.
She’s escaped to where she belongs.
When I read these poems and reflect back on this time in my life, I am haunted by two primary thoughts and feelings.
The first are of frustration and disappointment. The notebook these poems were written in went with me everywhere – school, church, work, home. I even submitted Roses for a poetry contest and won. I was, in this way, subtly screaming for someone to notice how desperate I was to die. But no one did. And I just cannot fathom how every adult in my life managed to fail me by ignoring all of the signs. Sometimes I hate them for it.
The second is an incredible sadness that this was my adolescence. What should have been a time of discovering myself, having fun with friends, and preparing for independence, was instead a time during which I was preoccupied with death. It was almost the only thing I ever thought about. I was robbed of the joys of being a teenager. And multiple people are to blame for the theft. And no matter how sorry they are (and not all of them are), I will never be able to relive or rewrite that chapter of my life. My adolescence is etched in stone forever – filled with abuse, pain, trauma, suffering, and a longing for my life to end.
But I’m still here and I thank Jesus for His redemption from that chapter. He knew it wasn’t the final one in my story and now so do I.