I may have hit one of the deepest pits of despair that I have ever experienced. I haven’t felt this alone and hopeless since I was in high school and in the throws of my sexual abuse. It seems that God is teaching me lessons lately about the people in my life not being as trustworthy as I thought they were or as they should be. Here is the problem with this: I already know all about broken trust. I spent my entire childhood learning the lesson that those who should love and support us no matter what, don’t. Why then, does God find it necessary to drive this point home? I mean, really, I get the picture!
In addition to this, I find myself in a position of being abused all over again by a person in seniority to me. I cannot escape it without sacrificing my livelihood. But, on the other hand, what does allowing it to continue say about me? After years of self-empowerment and personal growth, which included setting boundaries with my abusers, how can I possibly stand by and allow myself to be bullied without taking ten steps back in my healing? And why on earth does this person have this much power over me?
I’m listening to this song on repeat right now:
Nothing is Wasted, Jason Gray
The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
[x2]
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine
I just keep praying over and over again that the line I placed in bold happens really soon. I am not sure how much more I can take.
RKB
Beauty from ashes daughter 
I am so sad for your work situation….but when I read this “But, on the other hand, what does allowing it to continue say about me?” I knew you were on the right track and my heart lightened.
It’s hard putting into motion what we’ve worked so hard for but I have faith that you are strong enough to do what you need to.
I’m rooting for you, Rachel!!
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I am clinging to my faith and trying to focus on empowering myself to end this abusive situation.
I am so sorry for your hurt. I too had a terrible experience with two “christian” employers (at “christian” schoosl nontheless!) Yelling, intimidation, manipulation. One employer’s favorite line was, “you are offensive, you are offensive to me and the team!” Which he said over and over many months. (come to find out admin took out 5 mortgages on property – hmmm) After I quit that job and took another a woman harassed and bullied me for another year because all she wanted to do was sit on her computer and let christian school kids work by themselves. When I stood up for the kids she resigned but admin would not speak to me either! Ignoring me and one teacher told me, “The jobs you did were unimportant” and “You are invisible”. Ha! such is life! I know your pain and I don’t understand why God allows all of this. I cannot go to church now and still believe in God but have no trust that He will at all protect me. I guess that is what Jesus warns when he says that people will persecute christians. I had to give up a career in christian education I desperately miss and am questioning God. If you find the key please let me know. Let me know how it turns out for you so I can have some faith….
I do know God has a plan for us, but I have also realized that the plan is for His glory and for the service of others, not for my comfort.