Beauty from ashes daughter

Words of hope from an abuse survivor

Rock Bottom October 31, 2012

Filed under: Abuse — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 11:44 pm
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I may have hit one of the deepest pits of despair that I have ever experienced. I haven’t felt this alone and hopeless since I was in high school and in the throws of my sexual abuse. It seems that God is teaching me lessons lately about the people in my life not being as trustworthy as I thought they were or as they should be. Here is the problem with this: I already know all about broken trust. I spent my entire childhood learning the lesson that those who should love and support us no matter what, don’t.  Why then, does God find it necessary to drive this point home? I mean, really, I get the picture!
In addition to this, I find myself in a position of being abused all over again by a person in seniority to me. I cannot escape it without sacrificing my livelihood. But, on the other hand, what does allowing it to continue say about me? After years of self-empowerment and personal growth, which included setting boundaries with my abusers, how can I possibly stand by and allow myself to be bullied without taking ten steps back in my healing? And why on earth does this person have this much power over me?

 

I’m listening to this song on repeat right now:

Nothing is Wasted, Jason Gray

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
[x2]

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

I just keep praying over and over again that the line I placed in bold happens really soon. I am not sure how much more I can take.

RKB

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My paternal grandmother October 18, 2012

Filed under: Death,Overwhelmed,Purpose — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 1:23 am
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My paternal grandmother died on Monday 10/08. I had no reaction when my father called to tell me the news that morning. I was getting ready for a job interview. I proceeded with my day as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened until I spoke with my sister who expressed guilt over not getting to know her before she passed away.

It was then that I began to feel badly over the fact that I felt nothing. The reality is, I’ve never been told a single positive thing about my grandmother in my life. I’ve been told about her drinking and her physical abusiveness. I’ve been told about the fact that she abandoned an entire family of four children before marrying my grandfather and having my father and his siblings. I’ve been told about how she manipulates and alienates people. I usually only saw her for the holidays and even then our relating was distant and cold. She was never loving and certainly not interested in my life.

Nevertheless, death causes people to pause and ponder the meaning of life. I certainly did this. I reflected mostly on how much harder its going to be when any one of my remaining grandparents passes as I am much closer to all of them than I ever was to her and all of them are still living at this point. The thought of losing them is so sad and it makes me want to spend more time with them. But, as noted, I am already overwhelmed with all of my current responsibilities. This makes me feel guilty. Guilt – there is something about that emotion that keeps creeping into my life lately. Why can’t life just be simpler, slower, and easier to manage?  When did this pace become the norm?

Anyway, I had been hoping that at the wake for my grandmother, I might learn something positive about her to hold onto. No such luck. Instead, I’m left with sadness that this women who is a part of my ancestry lived such a miserable existence. I hope I leave a greater legacy. Here’s to making that a part of my life’s purpose.

 

Guilty and overwhelmed

Filed under: Overwhelmed — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 12:48 am
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So its been almost a month since I have written a post for this blog. I am feeling incredibly guilty about this.

It started out with me just needing a break. I was getting a little triggered by the writing about sexual abuse here and the reading about sexual abuse for my class. I started having nightmares about my perpetrator. I thought I’d just take a week or so off, take care of myself, and then get back to it.

Then midterms for grad school took me by surprise with much greater demands for my time than expected.

Just as I was recovering from that, my grandmother died.

I probably would have felt better if I had been blogging throughout that whole process, but I just couldn’t seem to find enough hours in the day.

So, I’ve had a rough month. I’m still feeling very overwhelmed with all that I have on my plate between work, school, and family.

I’m giving myself permission to write shorter posts and hoping that will help me get back to sharing my experiences with y’all.

Please forgive me for my absence!

 

 
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