Beauty from ashes daughter

Words of hope from an abuse survivor

Family Tree August 28, 2012

Filed under: Survivor — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 1:00 am
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Its always helpful for me to have reminders that I do not have to become like my parents and I can choose to stop the cycle of violence. I thank Jesus for giving me the freedom from my past in order to make that choice. Here is a song that illustrates that freedom in a beautiful way.

Family Tree
You didn’t ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It’s your sad reality
It’s your messed up family tree
And all your left with all these questions

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they’ve handed down?

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you
It’s better than where you’ve been
It’s bigger than your imagination
You’re gonna find real love
And you’re gonna hold your kids
You’ll change the course of generations

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you’re my child
You’re my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You’re bringing new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You’re bringing new life to your family tree now

~ Matthew West

 

Unwanted and unheard August 27, 2012

Filed under: Religion,Survivor — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 1:01 am
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When I was a little older, 10 or so, my mother once told me that when she learned of my conception, she wept. She said she prayed that I would not be born. She said she was devastated by the realization that she would be bringing another child (I have an older sibling) into a home filled with violence. Violence at the hands of the one who was to protect her and us. I know she didn’t say it to be hurtful. I think it was an attempt to explain how much she wished she could protect me. No matter what her reasons though, the idea that my mother never really wanted me stayed with me always – arising during my darkest moments in life. She actually hoped I would never come to be. God apparently had other plans.

My mother often looked to my sister and I for guidance, advice even regarding the domestic violence. As young as six or seven years old, I can recall my mother weeping on her bed, bruised, sometimes bleeding – as my sister and I quietly assessed her physical injuries, she would ask us – “What should I do?” I was placed in the role of parent before I ever had a chance to play the role of the child. I struggled to find the right words to offer her comfort in those moments because I had no example to follow, no parent to which I could model my behavior. Still, I remember trying my best to convince my mother to take us far away. Mature beyond my years, I begged for her to protect us and remove us from the danger of his wrath, which was unpredictable and erratic as most domestic violence offenders are. As an adult, these whispered conversations with my mother haunt me. My mother asking my opinion and yet never heeding it has a detrimental affect on my current responses in similar situations. The moment someone discounts my voice, all the bodily feelings of being hopeless and powerless rush inside me, quicker than quicksand, dragging me under. The slightest disrespect of my point of view, and I am back in that room, trembling and afraid, and feeling unheard. But I am learning not displace my feelings towards my mother onto others. And I am learning to trust that no matter what, God always hears my voice, even when its whispering.

 

My first memory

Filed under: Abuse — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 12:41 am
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I have this early memory, it seems to be the first memory of my childhood. However, I suspect it isn’t even accurate because I seem to be the age of three but I am sitting in my parent’s bedroom in a house we didn’t move into until I was five. Nevertheless, it exists in my brain for some reason – perhaps because of comments others have made or pictures I have seen or perhaps because of the memory’s symbolism, but most likely it is a combination of all those things and some portion of reality. Anyway, here is the memory that has made its home in my mind.

It’s a typical evening in my childhood home. The windows are open and a light summer breeze flows through the house. I’m trying to drown out the noise of shouting in the other room by softly humming to myself. I am three years old. I’m sitting at my mother’s vanity in my parents’ bedroom, running her brush through my pale blonde curls. The yelling draws nearer. My father bursts through the door. In a rage, he grabs the nearest item he can get his hands on, my mother’s black purse. Without hesitation, he hurls it across the room and it smashes the mirror before my innocent face. I don’t remember if I cried or what happened next, but that image of shattered glass and my broken reflection is a vivid picture in my mind. Again, I’m not even sure this ever occurred, but it symbolizes my lost innocence, which was taken far too soon.

RKB

 

Beauty from ashes August 23, 2012

Filed under: Emotional Pain — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 1:52 am
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So, you might be wondering why I chose the name beauty from ashes daughter for my blog. Well, I am a beloved daughter of God and beauty from ashes seems to me to be the most poetic phrase to capture the essence of my life. It, of course, originates from scripture:

“To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness.”      Isaiah 61:3

But I have found an even better description of this concept and it comes from the song whose lyrics are found below.

If I had a theme song for my life, this would be it.

Beauty from Pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive but I feel like I’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin’ to hold to what I can’t see (to what I can’t see)
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

-Superchick

So I remind myself each day that the abuse is over and that this new day that God has blessed me with is my crown of beauty and I must wear it well.
RKB

 

My story – the short version August 22, 2012

Filed under: Survivor — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 1:20 am
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I was raised in an atmosphere of domestic violence from the ages of 0-14. Shouting, threatening, and breaking things was the norm in my world. My mother finally chose divorce when I was 14. During this tumultuous time, when I was at my most vulnerable, I began to be sexually molested by a youth group leader at my church. This continued for two years. Then, I disclosed the sexual abuse to my mother. She called me a liar. I recanted my claim as a result of this and didn’t talk about the abuse with her again until many years later.

At 16, I turned away from God and turned toward alcohol and drugs to numb my pain. Thankfully, through the death of a friend, He pulled me back to Him about a year later. I recommitted my life to Jesus and He has faithfully walked with me, and I with Him, ever since.

Now I am married to an amazingly supportive Christian man who has taught me what real love is. I work at a counseling agency for children who have experienced trauma. I have a Bachelor’s degree in Family Life Education. I am in graduate school at the University of Toledo.  I am ridiculously busy, but God is calling me to do this, so here I am.

I hope to blog once or twice a week, sharing stories from my life and experiences in no particular order. I will include poetry I have written, song lyrics that speak to me, and Bible verses that have brought me hope and healing. I’ll share about my struggles with anxiety and depression and the counseling I have sought to deal with those diagnoses. I’ll discuss my issues with food and weight and how I am reclaiming my health at this time. I intend to write about my interactions with the court system and how it is hopelessly flawed. Finally, I’ll probably occasionally offer some advice on how to keep children safe, how to fight against a system that lets perpetrators roam free, how to find mental health therapy that works, and how to advocate for yourself and your children.

Much love to my fellow survivors as I begin this journey.

 

Fulfilling my purpose August 19, 2012

Filed under: Mission,Purpose — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 7:03 pm
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I have started this blog so I can attempt to fulfill God’s purpose for my life. My personal mission statement is: To move and encourage the broken toward healing in Christ through the power of my testimony. Here goes…

 

 
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