Beauty from ashes daughter

Words of hope from an abuse survivor

Trust July 21, 2015

Filed under: Emotional Pain — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 1:09 am

Trust is the hardest word for me. I’ve lived a life in which everyone I trusted failed me. Now, I’m so afraid of being let down, I expect it. I hone in on broken promises when they happen and it crushes my world. The hurt I feel from a person whose word means nothing is so intense, it has the power to unravel me. Why can’t everyone say what they mean and mean what they say? Why?!

How is someone like me supposed to trust God? When no one else has ever been reliable, why should He be any different? I believe the word of God and it says that He will never leave us or forsake us, but I feel lost, alone, and forgotten in a sea of adversity with no end in sight and no one to TRUST!

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TIME FLIES February 1, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 9:31 pm

Its been over a year since I last posted and my life has been through many changes!

I left a job that was making me miserable. Since then, I’ve switched jobs three times and I’ve finally found the one that is perfect for me. I have much to share about all those experiences.

I finished all my graduate school classes and I am currently taking a semester off before tackling my thesis this summer.

I’m hoping to get pregnant with my first child this year.

I am fully committed to getting back to blogging on a regular basis and can’t wait to share more about my last year and, as I always intended, my childhood trauma.

Much love to you all!

 

Waiting November 24, 2012

Filed under: Poetry — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 4:16 pm
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I’m trying to take one day at a time.

I want to trust that God will see me thru this.

I long to believe that the answer is around the corner.

So I keep waiting.

For Him to show me the next step.

 

I want to believe that beauty will come in the morning.

With each new day, I am disappointed.

No clear answer or direction.

So I keep waiting.

For Him to respond to my plea.

 

His word says not to worry.

That He will guide my path.

But I am groping in the dark, lost.

So I keep waiting.

For Him to shine a light so I can see.

 

He promises He is with me.

But I still feel all alone.

Afraid of what happens next.

So I keep waiting.

For Him to give me peace.

 

I can’t seem to find my way.

I have forgotten where I belong.

No longer sure of my purpose.

So I keep waiting.

For Him to remind me that I’m His.

 

Confused, lonely, lost, waiting, waiting, waiting…

 

 

My spiritual battle with food November 14, 2012

When I was a child and adolescent, suffering from the affects of domestic violence in my home and the subsequent sexual abuse, food often became a source of comfort for me. Sugary sweets and carbohydrate rich foods satisfied a deep emptiness within me, if even for a short time. Looking back, I know that I did what I needed to do in order to survive that time period. I do not blame myself for the choices I made at the time because I was managing the best that I could with the resources I had available to me. At the time, the method worked for me. Unfortunately, it also ingrained a pattern of self-reliance on food that has stayed with me into adulthood.

 

Its been about 12 years since I have been out on my own and sufficiently distanced from my perpetrators. Yet, the method of using food as a coping mechanism has remained. Now this habit has begun to affect my health. I am overweight and at high risk for diabetes. I am lethargic and easily exhausted. I am unhappy with my appearance, but even more so, with the way that I feel physically.

 

For years, the truth that I lack self-control and am not properly caring for the body God has blessed me with has weighed heavily on my heart. However, whenever I have attempted to change my habits, I always succeed for a while and then revert to old ways.

 

Around May of this year, I picked up a book at the Christian bookstore – Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. With the help of this author, I have come to realize that my battle with food is a spiritual one. God cares about what I eat and turning to Him as my source of strength in this battle is the only way I will ever defeat the power that food has over me. I have also learned that when I value food above everything else, when it is the one thing that is constantly consuming my thoughts, I am worshiping another god besides Jesus. I am breaking one of the ten commandments by putting food above God. With this realization came the understanding that I have to replace my cravings for food with cravings for Jesus because He is the only one who can fill the void in my soul.

 

For the first time in my life, I have been able to tackle the issues of healthy eating and exercise with motivation that is greater than this world. It isn’t about losing weight or looking good, but about being obedient to God’s will for my life, which is to be wholly dependent on Him and Him alone.

 

On July 22, I began using a fitness app on my iPod called My Fitness Pal. There, I track my calories every day. I also started walking more with both my husband and some close spiritual friends. I have surprised myself with the distances I have been able to walk. My initial goal when starting this journey was to lose 20 lbs by Thanksgiving, which I have already achieved. But my greatest satisfaction comes from knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do. And my relationship with Him is deepening because when I am struggling with cravings, I turn to Him to get me through.

 

I have added my weight loss badge to my sidebar so that my progress will be continually shared. I have 42 more lbs to go to reach my goal weight.

 

This is just one more step I am taking to reclaim all that was taken from me by my abusers. I hope it will serve as an inspiration for others to do the same.

 

RKB

 

Rock Bottom October 31, 2012

Filed under: Abuse — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 11:44 pm
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I may have hit one of the deepest pits of despair that I have ever experienced. I haven’t felt this alone and hopeless since I was in high school and in the throws of my sexual abuse. It seems that God is teaching me lessons lately about the people in my life not being as trustworthy as I thought they were or as they should be. Here is the problem with this: I already know all about broken trust. I spent my entire childhood learning the lesson that those who should love and support us no matter what, don’t.  Why then, does God find it necessary to drive this point home? I mean, really, I get the picture!
In addition to this, I find myself in a position of being abused all over again by a person in seniority to me. I cannot escape it without sacrificing my livelihood. But, on the other hand, what does allowing it to continue say about me? After years of self-empowerment and personal growth, which included setting boundaries with my abusers, how can I possibly stand by and allow myself to be bullied without taking ten steps back in my healing? And why on earth does this person have this much power over me?

 

I’m listening to this song on repeat right now:

Nothing is Wasted, Jason Gray

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
[x2]

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

I just keep praying over and over again that the line I placed in bold happens really soon. I am not sure how much more I can take.

RKB

 

My paternal grandmother October 18, 2012

Filed under: Death,Overwhelmed,Purpose — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 1:23 am
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My paternal grandmother died on Monday 10/08. I had no reaction when my father called to tell me the news that morning. I was getting ready for a job interview. I proceeded with my day as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened until I spoke with my sister who expressed guilt over not getting to know her before she passed away.

It was then that I began to feel badly over the fact that I felt nothing. The reality is, I’ve never been told a single positive thing about my grandmother in my life. I’ve been told about her drinking and her physical abusiveness. I’ve been told about the fact that she abandoned an entire family of four children before marrying my grandfather and having my father and his siblings. I’ve been told about how she manipulates and alienates people. I usually only saw her for the holidays and even then our relating was distant and cold. She was never loving and certainly not interested in my life.

Nevertheless, death causes people to pause and ponder the meaning of life. I certainly did this. I reflected mostly on how much harder its going to be when any one of my remaining grandparents passes as I am much closer to all of them than I ever was to her and all of them are still living at this point. The thought of losing them is so sad and it makes me want to spend more time with them. But, as noted, I am already overwhelmed with all of my current responsibilities. This makes me feel guilty. Guilt – there is something about that emotion that keeps creeping into my life lately. Why can’t life just be simpler, slower, and easier to manage?  When did this pace become the norm?

Anyway, I had been hoping that at the wake for my grandmother, I might learn something positive about her to hold onto. No such luck. Instead, I’m left with sadness that this women who is a part of my ancestry lived such a miserable existence. I hope I leave a greater legacy. Here’s to making that a part of my life’s purpose.

 

Guilty and overwhelmed

Filed under: Overwhelmed — Beauty from ashes daughter @ 12:48 am
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So its been almost a month since I have written a post for this blog. I am feeling incredibly guilty about this.

It started out with me just needing a break. I was getting a little triggered by the writing about sexual abuse here and the reading about sexual abuse for my class. I started having nightmares about my perpetrator. I thought I’d just take a week or so off, take care of myself, and then get back to it.

Then midterms for grad school took me by surprise with much greater demands for my time than expected.

Just as I was recovering from that, my grandmother died.

I probably would have felt better if I had been blogging throughout that whole process, but I just couldn’t seem to find enough hours in the day.

So, I’ve had a rough month. I’m still feeling very overwhelmed with all that I have on my plate between work, school, and family.

I’m giving myself permission to write shorter posts and hoping that will help me get back to sharing my experiences with y’all.

Please forgive me for my absence!

 

 
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